Farewell Lucy Lawless

Taking a step away from the kids for a min. This entry is about my beloved car, Lucy, Lucy Lawless. It all started in July of 1998 when my Dodge shadow “Spunky’ was costing me more in repairs then a new car would cost me to lease. So I set out to buy a cool new car that would get me to my high paying construction job on a daily basis without worry (or break down). I say high paying, but it was only that because I didn’t have a wife, 2 kids, 1 mortgage and multiple lines of racked up credit lines. Anyway, so I needed a new car. At the time I really wanted an Eagle Talon, but in 1998 Dodge was no longer making it. Used was not an option, I was after a brand new one. The 1996 Beretta Z26 was also out of production so I was stuck with a very short list (I hated those stupid Neons). I took a 1998 Cavalier Z24 for a spin and fell in love with it. Small, fast, fuel efficient and sexy. So with the help of my parents I leased it in Black. Immediately I knew she’d bring me trouble from the law like no other car I had ever had. So I called her lawless, then Xena popped into my head (that’s all that was on that year), and Lucy Lawless was dubbed and later chris’ened. 10 year and 4 months later, I parked her in the garage, took off her tires and moved the contents of my glove box into Sonya (my new car). Every time I look in the garage I get all teary eyed seeing her sitting there on axle stands as her battery slowly and inevitably drains to zero volts. 10 years of my life was in that car. Countless thousands were spent on her in gas, oil, parts and stereo equipment. All my boyhood hijinx were executed knowing Lucy was there waiting as my getaway vehicle. I went from punk-ass-kid to father-of-two in that car. My kids fell in love with Lucy and called her by her first name. They would really get a kick out of getting crammed in the back seat and going for a drive with dad. Maya still see’s her there and asks “we go in Lucy?” I bow my head and say “No baby, Lucy is finished”. I’m not a sentimental person at all, ask my wife, but the love affair I had with Lucy will be hard to forget. Sonya’s a great car, but the history that happened in that car cannot be transferred like a set of 205/55-16 tires that they both had in common. In the end she will do one last selfless act for me and my family, she’ll be hauled away by any old person willing to pay me a few bucks to offset the cost of the new one. She’ll live out the rest of her life being driven hard and recklessly with little regard for her failing health. She’ll be driven into the ground until, in the end, she’ll end up in a shredder to one more time be benefit to someone by becoming recycled scrap.

I’ll all broken up over a stupid car… what a homo!

Pain of being a Daddy

When I was a little boy, I use to get in trouble about as much as my son does today. I don’t remember many things from when I was that little but I do I do remember the ones that affected me emotionally. There was the time I was put up in a tree by my mother for a picture, this caused my deathly fear of heights; There was the time I was taken on a roller coaster in an amusement park that scared the hell out of me and ruined my ability to ride modern day coasters without going white in the face; And there was the time I wanted to run away from home. I was maybe 4 or 5 and didn’t get my way and felt so cheated and wronged that I announced to my parents that I was moving out. It was a bluff of course, I really had no intention of doing it I just wanted whatever it was that I wanted. To my young surprise they helped me pack and even went as far as kicking me out of the apartment and closing the door behind me. At that moment, I had never to this day felt that much heart ache. The bluff was called but to me it turned out that they never loved me and were happy to see me leave. I still remember to this day how that felt and how hard I cried. It was such a tramatic moment for me that even today 30+ years later I can conjur up that feeling and remember it as if it had happened yesterday. Last week they found the body of a missing local boy who threatened to run away from home and had his bluff called too. Unfortunatly for him something happened while he was out that he was not able to return home to realize that his parents were only looking out for his best interest. Me and matthew have had some really good fights. Most recently over the taking of his extra yukkie antibiotic for his lung infection. Additionally in the recent past, over him drinking enough water after his tonsil removal surgery. Both times, “NO” was not an option and I’ve had to do and say horrible things to make sure he took his medicine. I go to bed a times recalling these altercations and feel as bad as I did when I recall getting kicked out of the house those 30 odd years ago. I often wonder if he will remember these events in the years to come and hope and pray that he never does. After each incident I’m always careful to make sure he’s OK and that he understands it’s over (till tomorrow or till the medication runs out), but I’m not sure that it’s enough. I’m sorry buddy, I’m so very very sorry. You too will one day understand the meaning of “this will hurt me more then it hurts you”

Rotten bee with an itch!

Sleeping peacefully. Went to bed nice and early in an attempt to curb my at-work-mid-day-narcolepsy. At about 2-3am I hear something had entered my bed. I felt little feet and hands crawl across my feet, legs and testicles. I abruptly rolled over to avoid the pain and make some room for what’s her nuts. She wiggled, grunted and bitched that my duvet was touching her body, you see she brought her own cuz ours was no good. She must sleep between us but not UNDER the duvet. Only under her own blankie. When I pulled my duvet up over my shoulders she started yelling and bitching at me. When that proved ineffective the little bitch made a fist and started punching me in the back. WTF?! This is my god dam bed! Not only did she crash my party she’s dictating the rules. What a wretched wretched little child. Screaming, whining and punching at 3 in the morning because I wanted to sleep in my bed under my covers. Can’t wait till she grows up and this attitude of hers increases ten fold.

Inappropriate thing said by the boy #791

We’re eating dinner. Maya decided to not get RE-DRESSED after the potty so she sitting bottomless at the table eating soup. Matthew all of a sudden looks at her and says: “Maya go put on some clothes, I don’t wanna see your stinky vagina!”

Usually we say “I don’t want to see your stinky butt” when they decide to go ala-buff. Matthew managed to rearrange the nouns a little and hit well below the belt without even knowing it. He’s too little to know that GIRLS don’t like those two words, especially in the same sentence.

Kung-Fu Lego

My son is sick. Maya is away at ’ for a couple of days. Mommy left us alone last evening so we took off to the toy store to “look” at some legos. I ofcourse had no intention of looking, I was there to buy. So we’re walking around the legoisle trying to figure out how much $$$ I was willing to get in shit for when we came across a neat little technic front end loader. $30, 200ish pieces, yellow, we both agreed this was the one. As I hand him the toy, I say “Now don’t tell your mother”. Another lady standing near buy looking at legos with her boy start to giggle. I looked up “Let, me guess, don’t tell father?” and we both had a good laugh. Looks like we were both getting in shit when we got home.

Walking out of the store we see stuffed panda teddy bears on top of every isle for some reason. “Look daddys KungFu Panadas!” Matthew blurts out. “No buddy those are regular pandas, they don’t know kungfu. Not all panda’s can be the dragon warrior you know”. He took a minute to absorb the new knowledge “Oh, regular pandas, neat.”

Haloweeners