Shave and a Haricut

I came home the other day to grandpa using the vacuum cleaner. He was cleaning up after the kids. Cleaning up what? Hair. Maya hair to be exact. Grandpa said he caught her siting in mommy’s computer hair with a pair of scissors hacking away. The evidence was all over the chair. It looked like someone had shaved a cat. So I went searching for chocolate face to check out the new do. I had grim images in my head after seeing the chair, but when I found her, it didn’t look like anything had happened. Upon closer examination, you could see some sections were drastically shorter then others but it wasn’t that noticeable from a few feet back. So it was time for a heart to heart. “Maya what happened to your hair?” and she replied with such enthusiastic gibberish I coulnd’t make out a single sentence. Here’s what words were decipherable: Matthew, cut, my, hair, toilet, Matthew, scissors. Interesting… Yes she blamed her bother despite the eyewitness but toilet? Time to conduct another interview. “Matthew, what happened to Maya’s hair?” the answer shocked and confused me. It went something like this: Maya, somehow got her head, STUCK, in the toilet. The toilet had turds in it and said turds attached themselves to maya’s hair. At this point out of pure brotherly concern, Matthew grabbed the scissors and trimmed the turds out of her hair. And that’s all. Nowhere in either of their combined lie is the kitty shaving chair mentioned nor is the fact that grandpa had to pry the scissors out of HER hands. She or he also didn’t mention that she had to be smacked in the butt before she would release the scissors and was for that outburst sent to her room. Best I can figure, the turd part of the story happened first before grandpa noticed. Matthew finished the trim and left, Maya then proceeded to the computer chair where she tidied up the shotty job Matthew did. This is where she got caught and where the eye witness account is accurate. That’s the gist of the incident. What is puzzling is that Matthew ALWAYS denies any/all wrong/right doing. The answer to any “who” centered questions is always answered with “Maya did it”. This is the first time he has admitted to anything. As for her, she lied. Grandpa saw her, and stopped her, and spanked her, and grounded her, and she still spun this tale of Matthew and toilets and turds. This is what she does, this is why I have grey hairs.

He prefers blondes

Matthew has a little girlfriend at school. It’s so cute. They hang out together, talk together, collect rocks together and aren’t allowed to sit beside each other on the carpet at school cuz they get in trouble together. I can’t recall her name but she’s a really tall blonde, so his taste in women is similar to daddies. I’m so proud of my son.

Sneaky

It’s night time, Matthew is going to bed after spending about 30min watching TV in my bed with me. Maya has already been down for about 1 hour at this point so she’s OUT. I start by turning off the TV

ME:   “Ok buddy, time for bed.”
HE:   “Daddy, can I sleep with you in your bed?”
ME:   “No buddy, you kick mommy in her sleep and she can’t sleep”
HE:   “Ok I’ll go to my bed, then when mommy comes home I’ll sneak back in here”

I laughed my ass off because I’m pretty sure he just thought that and it accidently got said out loud. I closed off with “You better not” to which he simply smiled and cuddled into my shoulder as I carried him to his bed. I love this sneaky little asshole.